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| Dian Killan, Connecting across Differences |
How can we get our children to do what we want?
How can we use NVC with neighbours, family and friends - and ourselves? How can we apply it to larger social issues? Dian gives practical examples. Read below.
This blog is part of the Blogging Carnival for Nonviolence 2015. Dian is the co-author of Connecting across Differences.
Please share this blog post with your networks, and please leave your comments below. Thanks.
How, when and why did you first come across NVC and start to practice it?
I was a contributing writer for a local alternative paper and heard about this guy leading workings for adults with puppets. I thought that was pretty funny! I decided to go and write some kind of humorous article.
When
I actually saw what Marshall Rosenberg (the creator of the NVC model)
was doing, I immediately got how profound and challenging it is - NVC
is game-changing, for people individually and for society as a whole.
At the time, I was also working on a PhD so was reading
a lot of work (on
dialogic theory, which is all about power relations in society).
Foucault talks about how insidious domination culture is, working on
both a structural level ("power") and on the level of
ideology or ideas (what he calls "knowledge").
I
saw that what Marshall was teaching is a radical way to address this.
When I say "radical", I'm using this word in two ways -
true to its etymology (of getting to the root of things) and also in
that this inherently challenges the status quo and current beliefs
and systems.
As
a scholar, journalist and social activist, I'd seen repeatedly how
people wanted to change things and would fall back into old patterns
(of power over, using force); in the last century, we had some
powerful examples of what can happen when people break out of that
paradigm - the independence movement in India, the Civil Rights
movement in the US, and the breaking of Apartheid in South Africa and
also, in some ways, the anti-war and gay rights movements in
the US (thought not as consistently as I'd like). Yet overall,
including everyday - when working with people, interacting with
family and friends, and attempting social change, I think we most
often fall back into what's familiar and, ironically, not especially
effective in the long run.
We
can get people do something via force, sometimes. We can get our
way. And at what price? I see a direct relation between how we
treat others and how treat ourselves.
There's
a fascinating book I read years ago about British colonialism and how
British practices and treatment of those colonized had a direct
parallel to how people were treated in Britain, especially women and
children. I also see the connection in the US, looking at US foreign
policy and violence in the US. I am making broad strokes here and I
do think there is a connection.
The
NVC models offers an profound level of integrity in how we speak to
ourselves (including our thoughts), how we speak to others, and our
actions. Marshall was very influenced by Gandhi, which is why he
called the model Nonviolent Communication - he saw it as a
communication model based on Gandhi's practices of Nonviolence. Most
people would think of language as an alternative to violence. Yet we
all also know that words can be very hurtful. And it's our words and
our thoughts--our judgements and enemy images of others - that
ultimately lead to violence or, at least, that makes it acceptable
somehow.
We
as human beings are social creatures and naturally empathic. All the
research is showing this now. So you actually need strong ideology
and enemy images to make it okay to want to bomb or kill someone. NVC
addresses violence - and peace-making, and compassion, on all these
levels. I've been a CNVC trainer for nearly 10 years now and have
studied extensively different models. I still am in awe of how
profound this model is and what can happen for us as human beings
when we are heard and hear others. All kinds of creativity and
openness and good will and possibility emerges. It's so
transformative, it can almost seem magical. In the end, it's the most
need of all: to be heard. That's what Marshall ultimately taught
people how to do.
BTW
what's really funny about this story is that after thinking it funny
that this guy was leading workshops with puppets, now I do too! It's
very helpful sometimes when teaching and you're doing a role play,
and to get concepts across. It's also very satisfying for me too that
before Marshall retired, I was asked to lead a nine-day International
Intensive Trainer (IIT) with him; being part of his training team
really brought things full circle for me, after writing two different
articles/interviews about him about a decade before.
How did you come to write Connecting across Differences?
Jane
Connor, my friend and co-author, were both part of a year-long
leadership training program in NVC, in the process of our becoming
trainers. She was teaching NVC at SUNY in the psychology department
and wanted materials that would speak to college students and really
engage them, including around diversity issues.
Having
a background in writing and editing and also teaching third level at
that time, and also having an interest in social change and
diversity, I offered to help her with the project. Because it was
originally intended in effect as a textbook, we included from the
beginning both text and many exercises in the book, so in effect it's
a combined book and work book. The book is now in its official second
edition (there were actually two earlier editions before Puddle
Dancer picked it up) and is available in German as well as English.
It's also evolved over the years and now is focused on readers of all
ages and stages of life, though I still think it's highly accessible - in the way it's written - for young people too in the late teens
and early 20s. We also hear consistently that it's the most
comprehensive NVC book available - we cover different applications
and aspects of the NVC practice.
What types of differences can we connect across? Please give examples.
Wow
- so many differences, every day! From who's going to take out the
garbage and who will do the dishes and when, to do we want to have
sex tonight or go out to see a movie, to stay in, to how do I get my
kids to do their homework? Or that co-worker at work to pull his
weight or reply to my emails? Or get my boss to give me a raise or
the budget I need for a project? That's on the inter level and
local level between people every day at work and at home.
Then
there's the intra level - how do I talk to myself:
what do I do if I haven't gotten my taxes done or paid my bills on
time? Or not exercising as much as I want or not eating foods that
support my well being? Or hundreds of other tasks/behaviors we want
ourselves to pay attention to and attend to.
How
do we talk to ourselves about that? I find the greatest level of
violence occurs every day in how we talk to ourselves. It's
heartbreaking - when you actually hear what people are saying to
themselves, and how. I want to protect them - from themselves! And
of course I can do that too - I think we all can. It's so part of our
culture. It's endemic.
So
how do we mediate internally, and resolve that part of us wants to
lay in the hammock, and part of us thinks we should be cutting
the lawn (or something else)? How do we do that with self-kindness
and compassion? And on a larger/broader level, how do our political
parties resolve differences? And states and nations? It's all
connected. NVC offers practical transformative tools to address these
differences, on multiple levels.
Please give a couple of examples of how you have used NVC to connect with others.
My
book, Urban Empathy: True Life Adventures of Compassion on the
Streets of New York, gives numerous, actual examples of
practicing NVC both with people I know and complete strangers,
including in some tense situations. There also are stories mixed as
an examples in Connecting across Differences.
The
most recent, dramatic example that inspired me was resolving an issue
with my neighbours. We live in wood frame row houses in Brooklyn and
share a wall. They'd gotten upset because my plumber had run a 1/4
copper pipe though a stud, which their contractor said was a load
bearing (structural) wall.
I
wanted them to have accurate information to I asked an engineer to
come and look at the work. He explained to them that contractor had,
in effect, given them misinformation - the stud is not
load-bearing, it is used to attach sheet rock to the walls,
and the pipe did not impact that use or the integrity of the wall,
and running pipes this way through shared wall space is very common
in NYC, given the space availability. My neighbours got triggered
hearing this - and started saying, in an agitated way, "We're
not stupid." I think, in effect, when they heard the engineer
explain it, what he said made sense to them and they probably felt
embarrassed... but the way it came out was in this agitated way.
As
a side note, for context, I am of European/white background and
they're of African-American/Black background, and based on other
things I've heard them say, such as, "It's not right, just
because you have lighter skin," that this larger social-economic
dynamic was also impacting how things were being seen. Anyway, when
they became irritated in this way, the engineer started disagreeing
with them, saying, "No, I didn't say that you're stupid... I
just said that this pipe..." and started repeating himself. This
of course just escalated things.
So
I jumped in and said to the engineer, "Hold on for a second, I
just want to see if I'm hearing what they're saying" and then
made some “empathy guesses”. In NVC, an “empathy guess” is
basically your extending yourself to the other person and checking in
about how they are feeling, and what they're needing, on a core
level. The pipe going through a stud matters to them, of course,
because they care about the safety and integrity of their home. And
that issue has been addressed. So clearly there were other needs at
play.
The
father was there and two of his daughters. After making a few
guesses - such as that they're irritated because they want to be seen
for their experience, which, didn't, by the way, fit exactly for them,
one of them said pretty directly, "Well, your plumber should
have talked to us about it first. You should have talked to us."
That made complete sense to me.
So
I basically recapped that back to them, and then added what I was
hearing as their core needs in this case: "OK you would have
liked me to talk with you about it first - just out of consideration
and respect." They responded very strongly in the positive to
that. "Yes, because it's our house - it's our wall too!"
Once I made that guess, and empathised a bit more, everything
shifted. The daughter who was most agitated visibly relaxed.
And
I honestly told them that I agreed with them - that I am wishing that
I or the plumber had spoken with them, and that I regretted
that. I then also reminded them that I was overwhelmed at that time
(after buying the house, I discovered the whole roof, and roof beams,
were rotten - and the back of the house as well - and was dealing
with all this major renovation), and other issues, like a contractor
not finishing work I'd contracted with him to do, etc. That all made
sense to them - it matched their experience of what was happening at
the time. I then made a clear agreement moving forward: that if ever
again I did work on my house that in any way might impact theirs,
that I would discuss it with them first. They were happy with that
plan. This conversation basically resolved the whole situation.
By
the way, the reason I could respond in this way is because I was also
practicing self-empathy during the conversation - focused internally
on my own feelings and needs, so I could respond in the connected an
conscious way that I did. When practicing NVC, we are simultaneously
listening to ourselves and to others. It's both that create
connection.
What are your plans for the future?
I'll be leading a two-day program in Germany - in English - in December. Click here for info and to book.
What are your plans for the future?
I'll be leading a two-day program in Germany - in English - in December. Click here for info and to book.
An event that I am VERY excited about and not yet up on the site is an international NVC women's retreat that I'm planning in Ireland for March 2017.
For more details of Dian's upcoming events, see http://workcollaboratively.com/upcoming-events/
Please share this blog post with your networks, and please leave your comments below. Thanks.
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