Domestic Abuse – Behind Closed Doors

Domestic Abuse - Behind Closed Doors

See also: Violence Begins at Home

43% of all victims of domestic abuse are repeat victims – they may have been assaulted by the same person within the past year. So a large number of them are already known to the police.

I recently watched the documentary Behind Closed Doors on the BBC. It followed the Thames Valley police.

Behind Closed Doors depicted deeply sickening real-life examples of domestic violence. One man beat his partner for six hours. And these men appear to show no remorse.

One interesting thing is that this documentary focused on examples of where the police have gotten involved – often, they don't.

I think that for NVC to be effective, it needs to be used before violence reaches this kind of level. See also: Violence Begins at Home.

For more about NVC, visit our London practice group.  

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Violence Begins at Home

Soldiers in Africa

Click here for an article about Nonviolent Communication (NVC).

See also:  The Need for Self-Connection.

We all know where violence leads. War, destruction and death on a massive scale, atrocities, terrorism. But where does it begin?

Violence begins at home. I am not just talking about overt physical violence.  But I AM talking about its ROOTS.  

Violence begins in our own minds. In the way that we talk to ourselves about ourselves.

Once we speak about ourselves in ways such as blaming, labelling and judging, it's a very short step to doing the same about others. In Nonviolent Communication (NVC), this is known as “jackal speech”.

When we jackal about ourselves, we disconnect from ourselves and our feelings and needs. When we jackal about others, we create distance between us and them.

Behind every jackal is an unmet need.

We often talk in terms of “them”, wanting “them” to change their behaviour. Wishing “they” would behave differently. But change begins with the self. NVC gives us the tools to bring about real, lasting change in ourselves and the world. When we change the way we communicate, the dialogue can change.

In NVC, needs are universal. We all share the same human needs. We all want to be safe and we all want our children to be safe. We want everyone's children to be safe. So safety is defined in NVC as a need. The problem is, we move away from needs, and jump to strategies to try to meet those needs. We conflict and disconnect on the level of strategies. That's how we, as human beings, end up going to war and experiencing killing, destruction, torture, atrocities, etc. (see above).

Once we connect with our own feelings and needs, we can connect with others', moving, as Ike Lasater says, “From Conflict to Connection”.

For more about NVC, see:  Transform Your Life with Nonviolent Comunication.

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The Need for Self-Connection

Connection

Click here for my interview with Ike Lasater.

This blog post contains adult material and thus is not suitable for children.

What happens when you feel tense, anxious or under stress? For example, when you have a conflict with a colleague at work?  

Our bodies are programmed to go into fight-or-flight mode – our pulse quickens, our mouths go dry, and various other physiological changes occur to help us cope with what we perceive to be a threat. As I have said in my blogs about Relaxation and Stress Release, this is very useful if you are confronted by a sabre-toothed tiger. But when dealing with everyday stress, this reaction is not helpful and can cause long-term damage to the body.

When we are in fight-or-flight mode, we are not connected with our own feelings and needs. And we must connect with our own before we can connect with those of others.

When we are in conflict with another person, such as a family member, partner or work colleague, or when we are in conflict with ourselves, we have tendencies to either fight or flee. Sometimes we may also go into “freeze” mode.  

It doesn't have to be a major conflict, it can just be a difference of opinion or a desire to change things, to do things differently.  One person wants to bring about some sort of change, the other doesn't.  Or one part of us desires a change and another part is resisting.  Jill wants to try a different kind of breakfast cereal, and Jackson doesn't.  Or one part of you wants to get up earlier and meditate, but another part just wants to roll over and go back to sleep.

When we experience conflict, we often start judging and blaming the other person – or ourselves.  In NVC (Nonviolent Communication), this is known as “jackal speech”.  Jackal speech is speech that disconnects us from others and ourselves.  Jackal speech is really just an expression of an unmet need.

As you may know, empathy in NVC is defined as connecting with feelings and needs.  Ike Lasater, author of From Conflict to Connection, stresses the importance of practicing self-connection on a daily basis.  Once we have established the habit of self-connection in non-conflict situations, then, when we are in conflict, either inner or outer, it becomes natural to connect with self, rather than going into fight-or-flight mode.  When we start judging and blaming, we are not connected with our own feelings and needs.

I recall Marshall Rosenberg talking about work he did with men who had sexually assaulted and abused their own daughters.  At one session at which the daughters were present, one of the men made a comment, and Marshall saw the look on the daughter's face and was upset by it. He immediately called “Time out!” and left the room.

Once he had given himself some empathy, Marshall was able to return to the session and express his concerns to the man in question.

NVC offers lots of opportunities and methods of experiencing self-empathy.   If you would like to explore more and you are in London, go here for our London NVC practice group.  I look forward to seeing you there.

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What Is Failure?

I recently saw this post on Quora: 

"I am a 30-year-old unmarried Indian male who failed at career and life.  

Click here to read the post. 

And here's my answer: 

A lot of this is about the language you are using. You say you have "failed".  What exactly does this mean?  

 

Thomas Edison famously said he had not failed to learn how to invent the lightbulb before he finally found a way to invent it (actually his employee, Lewis Latimer, invented the lightbulb but that's another story).  He had just found 10,000 ways that did not work.  See below for the quote.  

It's about the way you see yourself and the way you speak about yourself.  To turn this around, think "I have found ways that don't work".  You can still find ways that DO work.  Go for it!  

 

A few quotes about failure:  

 

“I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.”

― Thomas A. Edison

 

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”

― Winston S. Churchill 

It's fine to celebrate success but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure.

Bill Gates

 

Read more at Search at BrainyQuote

How to Beat Exam Stress

Listen below for an audio on how to beat exam stress.

Click here to contact me for a free, no-obligation consultation.  

I am re-purposing this blog post.

Feeling stressed about your forthcoming exams? Listen below.  






Want help in preparing to take your exams?

 

For more information on how you can learn to relax and handle your stress better, and for more in this audio series on How to Get Results, click here. 

The Violet Flame

The Violet Flame

If you have read Achieving Success, you know that overcoming blocks and obstacles is the first part of my 3-Step Success Formula.

In order to move towards success, and move towards achieving our goals, we first need to start removing some of our blocks – removing some of what is getting in our way.

I recently completed a Reiki Master training with Suzanne Zacharia. Suzanne is a great trainer, whom I trust. I have been working with her for many years as she is also an EFT practitioner.

As part of Reiki Master training, Suzanne gave me a violet flame attunement. I didn't know anything about the violet flame – this is all new to me.

Since then, I have been reading about the violet flame. The best book I have found is called Transform Your Life with the Violet Flame.

The violet flame helps us to transmute negative energy into positive energy – which is Step One in my 3-Step Success Formula!

Transform Your Life with the Violet Flame explains how we can connect with the violet flame and use it to eliminate negativity, to transform difficult situations into more positive ones. We can use the violet flame in work situations, with relationships, and to clear spaces. There are many more ways to use the violet flame. I strongly recommend this book, it can help you in many different areas of your life.

Transform Your Life with the Violet Flame is very easy to read, understand and apply. It is very practical, which is one of the reasons why I like it.

It is available from Amazon.co.uk here.

Or from Amazon.com here.

Click here to contact me for a free, no-obligation consultation.

Here's to your success!

How to Get the Results You Want

Click here to contact me for a free consultation.

Listen below for my audio, How to Get the Results You Want. 


https://www.talkshoe.com/episode/4755925

How much do you want your life to improve? How much do you really want it? Want more money? Want more customers? Want to build your business? More time? More freedom?  

How much do you really want it? Do you really want to bring about positive change in your life? If so, contact me for a FREE consultation with no obligation.

To get the results you want, you need to have the different parts of yourself working together. See also:  How to Remove Blocks and Obstacles.

Go here to download this and other audios in this series, free of charge. 

Please leave your comments below, and please share this with your networks.  Thanks!